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Training: How to avoid suicide and get laid.

Posted on January 29 2015

A famous climber once said that ‘if you don’t let go, you wont fall off’. Wise words indeed. In practice however not letting go is often pretty hard. By definition the harder you try to climb, the more the rock is trying to make you let go. When you first realise what a bastard the rock is being about the whole thing, part of you will probably want to pick up your matt and go home. Rocks of all grades have the ability to be bastards from time to time and you’ll often find a correlation between this behaviour and the ‘shit problems’ that you ‘didn’t want to do anyway’.

Sometimes in retrospect you may decide that one particular ‘shit problem’ was being such a bastard about you trying to climb up it, that you want to do something about it. There are two possible pathways before you in such a predicament. Your gut will probably tell you that when it gets dark you should put on a balaclava, drive down to where said rock is nonchalantly sitting, take out a hammer and chisel and wipe the smile of its face. Put a nice foot hold there, few jugs here, that’ll show him! Now, whilst this may in the short term make you feel better and has in the past been the ‘go to’ method for such problem solving it has in this modern ‘politically correct’ era come to be viewed in much the same light as slavery or say the holocaust. That is to say its so wrong people cannot believe anyone anywhere ever thought it was a good idea.

By far the more PC solution to this strange feeling of compelling hatred, is to get stronger so no matter how hard the stupid bit of rock tries it wont be able to push you off. This process will no doubt take longer but you will probably find it more rewarding and it will significantly reduce your chances of being ostracised by an already ostracised part of society; thus pushing you into a spiral of debt, depression, and (more) substance abuse, and ultimately leading to you pushing yourself off the top on the disfigured, yet strangely satisfied, bastard bit of rock.

Grip strength:

Probably the easiest place to see gains in your strength is to get a Beastmaker Fingerboard and learn how to use it. Now the problem with fingerboarding (yes it is a verb) is that it can be incredibly boring. Unless you are a computer programer you will need a friend who is about as strong as you (preferably a little weaker for your egos sake) who is keen to do some training. (Un)fortunately as we no longer have slavery you will have to go out and make one of these yourself which for some of you will no doubt ruin your training before it has even begun.

Now that you have a friend and a finger board its time to start using it. There are a whole range of exercises you can do to get stronger but the two main ones are:

Deadhangs: Hold a certain grip on a certain hold for a set length of time (30s, 45s, 60s).

Repeaters: Hold a certain grip on a certain hold for 7 seconds, let go for 3 seconds rest, REPEAT.

According to the king of fingerboarding Dan Varian (maker of Beasts Fingerboards), deadhangs are more useful when your getting used to a certain grip whilst repeaters are more useful for building strength in certain grips. Dan’s pretty strong so lets go with him on this. Whilst hanging around on various shaped holds will increase your strength to some degree if you cant pull up on the hold its fairly useless for climbing. Enter the Frenchie or French pull up. This is like a normal pull up but you pause at certain points during the movement. If you combine a repeater with the paused angles of a Frenchie then ‘you will be a man my son’.

Once this is mastered/you’re bored its time to introduce the Beastmaker Fingerboards 321 system. I call it a ‘system’ but the basic idea is that once you can hold a certain grip at various angles over a succession of sets its probably time to take a finger or two off. At this point it would probably be irresponsible to not mention the risk of injury. Now thats covered lets see how all of this is going to help you get laid!

It won’t! The title was just to encourage you to read on. Unfortunately the ability to do a one arm pinky mono pull up is viewed by most as some sort of weird party trick. If you want to get laid start by getting rid of your weird mate of yours who hangs out with you in the basement for hours on end touching bits of wood.

For some actual training tips visit:

Thomas King

Bespoke Ski Holidays | Custom Ski Holidays Descent Travel

Overhang Ltd


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